““A man with no memory is a man with no foresight.””
Clients sometimes ask: Does my past really matter? It’s a fair question. When people seek therapy, they often want immediate relief from their current struggles, not a deep dive into childhood memories or long-buried emotions. However, understanding how past experiences shape present thoughts, emotions, and behaviors is an invaluable tool for healing and change. At the same time, therapy also equips you with practical coping skills that provide comfort and stability in the present.
Imagine walking into a doctor’s office with severe stomach pain, and instead of asking when it started or what might be triggering it, the doctor simply prescribes medication. While the treatment might offer some relief, it wouldn’t address what’s causing the pain in the first place. In fact, treating the symptoms without understanding the root cause could be ineffective or even harmful. Therapy works similarly—by looking at past experiences, we gain insight into present struggles, making it easier to find lasting solutions.
How the Past Influences the Present
The patterns we repeat in relationships, the emotional responses we have to certain situations, and even the ways we view ourselves are often rooted in past experiences. These experiences, particularly those from early life, create internal working models—unconscious blueprints that influence how we interpret and respond to the world.
For example, someone who grew up with inconsistent or critical caregivers may develop an internal belief that they are not “good enough” or that others will ultimately let them down. Even if they are unaware of these early dynamics, these beliefs can unconsciously shape their relationships, leading to patterns of self-doubt, avoidance, or emotional withdrawal.
In psychodynamic therapy, exploring these origins isn’t about dwelling on the past for its own sake—it’s about shining a light on and understanding why certain patterns exist so that new, more adaptive ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving can emerge.
The Role of Unconscious Emotional Conflict
Many struggles people face—anxiety, depression, difficulties in relationships—are rooted in unconscious emotional conflicts. When emotions are not fully acknowledged or processed, they don’t disappear; they often manifest in other ways, such as chronic worry, self-criticism, or physical symptoms.
For instance, someone who was taught to suppress anger might experience frequent muscle tension, headaches, or even gastrointestinal distress, without consciously linking these symptoms to unresolved emotional conflicts. Psychodynamic therapy, including modern approaches like Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP), helps bring these connections to light by fostering deep emotional awareness and allowing clients to process emotions that may have been buried for years.
To see how these unconscious patterns play out in real life, let’s look at an example.
A Case Example: When the Past Shapes the Present
Jason had grown up in a home where expressing emotions—especially negative ones—was silently discouraged. When conflicts arose, they were never addressed directly; instead, a tense silence filled the home until everyone simply pretended the disagreement never happened. Over time, Jason internalized the belief that conflict led to disconnection and that expressing his emotions might push people away.
As an adult, Jason struggled in relationships. Things started off well, but as soon as disagreements or tension arose, he instinctively withdrew. Without realizing it, he equated conflict with disconnection and rejection. Because he had never learned how to engage in healthy emotional expression or repair ruptures, his partners interpreted his emotional withdrawal as disinterest or detachment. As a result, his relationships gradually deteriorated.
One pivotal moment came when a partner said, "I feel like I don’t really know you. Every time there’s tension, you shut me out." That statement resonated deeply, and in therapy, Jason began to uncover a pattern—his emotional withdrawal was not just a present-day behavior but a deeply ingrained response from his past.
Through therapy, Jason recognized and addressed his discomfort with emotional vulnerability. He realized that avoiding conflict wasn’t protecting his relationships—it was eroding them. Over time, he learned to express his feelings openly, engage in honest conversations, and repair conflicts rather than retreat from them. By confronting his past conditioning, he gained greater foresight—understanding how his past influenced his present allowed him to make intentional, healthier choices moving forward. His journey in therapy not only helped his relationships but also improved his confidence at work, where he started asserting himself in ways he had previously avoided.
Expanding Awareness: From Understanding to Action
Once unconscious patterns and emotions become conscious, they lose their grip and we find more adaptive ways to relate to the people in our lives. Recognizing these past influences allows us to respond in new, healthier ways. Modern psychodynamic approaches emphasize not just uncovering these patterns but also actively working through them. ISTDP, for example, helps clients build emotional resilience by engaging directly with these unconscious conflicts in a focused, transformative way. Rather than repeating old patterns automatically, they develop the freedom to choose new, healthier ways of relating to themselves and others.
For example, someone who has always feared rejection may realize that their avoidance of close relationships is an unconscious way of protecting themselves from past pain. With this awareness and newfound capacity to face challenging emotions, they can begin experimenting with new ways of connecting, building relationships based on reality rather than old fears.
Therapy as a Collaborative Process
While exploring the past can be invaluable, therapy is never about forcing someone to go somewhere they do not wish to go. Some people may not be ready or willing to look at the past, and that is entirely their choice. The goal of therapy is always to work collaboratively, honoring each person’s unique needs, pace, and readiness.
If you’ve ever wondered why certain struggles keep resurfacing in your life, therapy may provide the clarity and relief you seek. The past may shape us, but it does not have to define us. By making the unconscious conscious, therapy empowers you to step out of old patterns and move toward a future shaped by clarity, confidence, and intentionality.