People-Pleasing and the Fawn Response: When “Being Nice” Comes From Old Survival Strategies

You may be the reliable one. The one who remembers birthdays, picks up extra shifts, says “Sure, I can do it” even when you’re exhausted. On the outside, it looks like kindness, generosity, and flexibility.

On the inside, it might feel more like anxiety and pressure:

• You replay conversations, worrying if someone is upset with you.

• Saying “no” makes your heart race.

• You notice everyone else’s needs and lose track of your own.

If that sounds familiar, it may be more than a personality trait. What many people call people-pleasing is sometimes what trauma therapists refer to as the fawn response—a survival strategy that formed in the context of threat, conflict, or emotional instability, and then kept going long after the original danger passed.

In this post, we’ll explore what the fawn response is, how it connects to people-pleasing, and how trauma therapy can help you move toward relationships where you don’t have to disappear to stay safe.

What Is People-Pleasing, Really?

People-pleasing is often misunderstood as simply being “too nice” or “too accommodating.” But for many people, it’s less about being nice and more about being safe.

Common signs of people-pleasing include:

• Saying yes when you’re overwhelmed or resentful inside

• Apologizing frequently, even when you’ve done nothing wrong

• Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions

• Changing your opinions to match the group

• Feeling guilty or panicked when someone seems disappointed in you

If you’ve lived this way for a long time, it can start to feel like a fixed part of your identity:

“I’m just someone who doesn’t like conflict and drama.”
“I’m easygoing—whatever works for other people works for me.”

But often, beneath that identity is a nervous system that learned a very specific lesson: It is safer to disappear, appease, or over-give than to risk anger, withdrawal, or rejection.

That’s where the fawn response comes in.

Fight, Flight, Freeze… and Fawn

When we talk about trauma responses, most people recognize fight, flight, and freeze:

• Fight – pushing back against the threat

• Flight – trying to get away

• Freeze – shutting down or going numb when escape doesn’t feel possible

The fawn response is another survival strategy: instead of fighting, running, or shutting down, we move toward the source of threat in hopes of diffusing it.

Fawning might look like:

• Trying to be “perfect” so no one gets upset

• Anticipating someone’s needs before they ask

• Quickly smoothing over conflict, even if you were the one who was hurt

• Agreeing with others to keep the peace, even when it costs you

• Being especially kind, accommodating, or complimentary toward someone who is hurting you—almost over-proving that you’re “good” and not a threat, in hopes that their anger, criticism, or withdrawal will soften, or even that they could come to see you as a friend or ally.

For many people, this response develops early:

• Growing up with a parent who was easily angered, unpredictable, or critical

• Living in a household where love and approval felt conditional

• Being in a relationship where conflict escalated quickly or felt unsafe

• Experiencing ongoing emotional neglect, where you learned that being “easy” was the way to get any attention at all

In those environments, fawning was wise. It lowered the risk of being yelled at, shamed, or abandoned. Your nervous system did exactly what it needed to do to help you survive.

The problem is that these strategies can become automatic—and they often keep running in adulthood, even when your circumstances have changed.

How the Fawn Response Shows Up in Adult Life

Because the fawn response is so automatic, you might not even notice you’re doing it. You just know relationships feel confusing and draining.

Here are some ways fawning can show up now:

1. Difficulty Saying No

Even simple requests can trigger a cascade of anxiety:

• Your mind jumps to worst-case scenarios: They’ll be angry. They’ll think I’m selfish. They’ll pull away.

• Your body responds: tight chest, knot in your stomach, racing thoughts.

• Before you even think it through, you hear yourself saying, “Sure, no problem.”

Later, you might feel resentful or ashamed and beat yourself up: Why did I say yes again?

2. Losing Track of Your Own Preferences

If you’ve spent years scanning for everyone else’s needs, questions like “What do you want?” or “What do you need?” can feel surprisingly hard.

You might:

• Defer decisions to others (“Whatever you want works for me”)

• Struggle to name your own likes, dislikes, or boundaries

• Feel blank or confused when you try to check in with yourself

If you recognize these traits, it’s not something you need to beat yourself up about —it’s just the residue of years of orienting outward more than inward in order to survive, and it’s something that you can work on.

3. Over-Responsibility for Others

When the fawn response is active, your nervous system treats other people’s emotions like emergencies you’re responsible for solving.

You may:

• Rush to fix discomfort, even when it isn’t your job

• Take blame to keep the peace, even when you’re not at fault

• Feel guilty when someone else is upset, regardless of the cause

Over time, this can lead to burnout, resentment, and a vague sense that you’re taking care of everyone but no one is truly taking care of you.

4. Confusing Relationships

Fawning blurs the line between connection and compliance.

You might:

• End up in relationships where you feel you’re always giving more than you get

• Struggle to trust people who are calm, consistent, or genuinely kind (they feel unfamiliar)

• Struggle to identify that you are in an imbalanced relationship.

• Find yourself drawn back into dynamics that feel like “home,” even if they’re painful

It can be hard to believe that a relationship could be both close and safe without you constantly managing everyone else’s emotions.

“But I’m Just Easygoing… Isn’t That a Good Thing?”

A common reaction to the idea of people-pleasing or the fawn response is something like:

“But I’m just flexible.”
“I don’t like drama.”
“I’m easygoing—other people are the rigid ones.”

And often, that’s true. Many people who lean toward people-pleasing really are wired to be more adaptable, collaborative, and attuned to others. Those are genuine strengths.

The tricky part is that our natural predispositions can become exaggerated crutches when our nervous system is overwhelmed. Defenses like fawning are often syntonic with our biology and temperament—they feel like “just who I am”—but they’re turned up to level 11, well past the point of being helpful.

A few ways to sense that shift:

• You say “yes” automatically, even as a part of you quietly wilts.

• You feel anxious or guilty at the thought of disappointing someone, even in small ways.

• You adjust to others so quickly that you only notice your own needs in hindsight.

In other words, being easygoing isn’t the problem. The problem is when being agreeable stops feeling like a choice and starts to feel like the only way to stay safe or connected. Therapy doesn’t ask you to give up your flexibility or kindness; it helps you reclaim them as choices rather than automatic survival strategies that sometimes work against you.

Why It’s So Hard to Stop People-Pleasing (Even When You Want To)

You might intellectually understand that you’re allowed to say no—and still feel frozen when it’s time to actually set a boundary.

There are good reasons for that:

• Your nervous system still links disagreement, conflict, or disapproval with danger.

• Your inner narrative may say things like, “If I upset people, I’ll be abandoned” or “I’m only valuable when I’m helpful.”

• You may not have had many models of relationships where both people’s needs matter.

So when you try to stop people-pleasing, it can feel like you’re doing something wrong, selfish, or risky—even though you’re actually moving toward healthier patterns.

Healing isn’t about shaming the part of you that fawns. It’s about understanding how it helped you survive, and slowly giving your system new experiences of safety, choice, and mutual care.

How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Move Beyond Fawning

Therapy doesn’t try to rip away your survival strategies. Instead, it aims to help you befriend and update them.

Here are some ways trauma therapy can help with the fawn response and people-pleasing:

1. Making Sense of Your Story

Many people-pleasers minimize their past:

“Lots of people had it worse.”
“It wasn’t that bad. My parents just had high expectations.”

In therapy, we slow down and honor what it was actually like to be you:

• What happened when you disagreed?

• How were emotions handled in your family?

• What did you learn you had to be (or not be) to stay connected?

Naming these patterns can be profoundly relieving: Oh. This makes sense. I wasn’t just “too sensitive.” I was adapting.

2. Listening to Your Body

Because the fawn response has such strong nervous-system roots, working with the body can be especially helpful.

In therapy, this might involve:

• Noticing subtle tension, pressure, or collapse when you consider saying no

• Tracking what happens in your body when you imagine conflict versus connection

• Practicing tiny experiments, like pausing before saying “yes” and noticing what you feel

Over time, your body can learn that pausing, asking for clarification, or expressing a preference is uncomfortable—but not actually life-threatening.

3. Practicing Boundaries in a Safe Relationship

The therapy relationship can be a place to try something new:

• Saying when you don’t understand a question

• Letting your therapist know when something doesn’t feel helpful

• Naming preferences in pacing or focus

Each time you’re honest and the relationship remains safe, your nervous system gets a new message: Being real doesn’t automatically lead to rejection.

4. Updating Old Beliefs

The fawn response is often fueled by deep, learned beliefs, such as:

• “My needs are too much.”

• “If I upset people, they’ll leave.”

• “I exist to take care of others.”

Therapy can help you slowly question and update these beliefs—not by forcing positive thinking, but by pairing new experiences (being honest, setting limits) with a different outcome than your younger self expected.

You might begin to internalize more balanced truths:

• “My needs matter too.”

• “It’s okay if not everyone is happy with me all the time.”

• “Relationships can be mutual, not one-sided.”

Gentle First Steps If You Recognize Yourself Here

You don’t have to flip a switch and become “good at boundaries” overnight. In fact, slower, more gradual change is often safer and more sustainable.

Here are a few gentle experiments to try:

• Practice a pause. Before saying yes, try a two-second breath and a phrase like, “Let me think about that and get back to you.”

• Notice your body’s signals. Do you feel tight, small, or flooded when someone asks for something? That might be your nervous system signaling overload.

• Start with low-stakes no’s. Practice setting limits in situations that feel mildly uncomfortable, not terrifying.

• Journal from your younger self’s perspective. What did you learn about what happens when you say no? Who taught you that?

If trying these things brings up a lot of fear or shame, it simply means you’re touching very old survival strategies that deserve care, not more criticism.

Moving Toward Relationships Where You Can Be Fully Yourself

With support, it’s possible to:

• Stay connected without abandoning yourself

• Say “yes” when you genuinely want to

• Say “no” without spiraling into panic or guilt

• Build relationships where your needs, feelings, and limits matter too

If you recognize yourself in this description and you’re ready to explore a different way of relating—to yourself and to others—therapy can help.

I offer trauma-informed therapy to people who are ready to understand their patterns with compassion and begin to experiment with new, more sustainable ways of being in the world.

Located in-person in McLean, VA and available virtually throughout Virginia, Maryland, and Washington, D.C.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave: Understanding Trauma Bonds

If you've ever felt stuck in a relationship that hurts you but still feels impossible to leave, you're not alone. Trauma bonds are intense emotional connections formed in relationships where harm and care become intertwined. These bonds often develop in cycles of abuse, neglect, or manipulation—where moments of warmth or connection are followed by fear, control, or emotional harm.

Trauma bonds can be confusing, painful, and deeply rooted. They don't form because you're weak or defective—they form because your nervous system is trying to survive. Understanding how these bonds work is the first step toward breaking free from them and building relationships that feel safe, nourishing, and grounded in mutual respect.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a powerful attachment that develops in relationships marked by a repeated cycle of abuse or emotional volatility. One moment, you may feel deeply loved, needed, or even idealized. The next, you're criticized, neglected, or made to feel small. This kind of push-pull dynamic creates a deep craving for the next moment of connection—and a belief that if you can just be better or do things right, the relationship will stabilize.

Trauma bonds are often mistaken for love, but they’re rooted in survival responses. They can show up in romantic partnerships, parent–child relationships, friendships, and even in high-control environments—like certain religious groups, workplaces, or communities where loyalty is demanded, questioning is discouraged, and guilt or fear are used to keep people in line.

What makes these bonds so confusing is that they don’t just contain pain—they also contain moments of closeness, connection, or shared history that feel meaningful. This intermittent reinforcement—the unpredictable rewards of affection and validation—can make the bond feel addictive. It's not unusual for people in a trauma bond to feel like they can’t leave, even when they know the relationship is harmful.

The Psychology Behind Trauma Bonds

Trauma bonds don’t form because someone is personally flawed—they form because the nervous system is doing its best to survive. When a relationship is marked by emotional unpredictability—being loved one moment and hurt the next—it activates deep survival responses rooted in early attachment experiences.

Many people who find themselves in trauma bond relationships grew up with caregivers who were inconsistent, neglectful, or even frightening. When love is mixed with fear early on, the brain learns to associate closeness with emotional risk. Later in life, this can create a pattern where intensity feels like intimacy and calm can feel unfamiliar—or even boring.

Another key factor is intermittent reinforcement. This is a psychological phenomenon where unpredictable rewards (like rare moments of kindness or connection in an otherwise painful relationship) make people cling even more tightly. The nervous system becomes hyper-focused on the next “good moment,” creating a cycle of hope and self-blame: If I just try harder, maybe it’ll go back to how it was at the beginning.

Shame also plays a major role. People in trauma bonds often believe the problem is them—that they’re too needy, too sensitive, or not strong enough. This internalized blame keeps them locked in place, trying to “earn” love or prove their worth instead of recognizing the unhealthy dynamic at play.

Signs You Might Be in a Trauma Bond

Recognizing a trauma bond can be incredibly difficult, especially when you're emotionally attached to the person causing harm. These relationships often contain moments that feel loving, intense, or even life-affirming, which makes the pain that follows even more disorienting. Here are some signs that what you're experiencing may be more than just a difficult relationship:

• You feel addicted to the relationship. Despite ongoing harm or emotional volatility, you feel unable to leave or imagine life without the other person.

• You justify or minimize their behavior. You find yourself defending their actions to others—or to yourself—even when you know something feels wrong.

• You blame yourself for most of the problems. While every relationship has moments of mutual responsibility, in a trauma bond, you may take on the bulk of the blame—believing that if you could just change or improve, everything would get better.

• You’re walking on eggshells. You constantly monitor your words, tone, or behavior to avoid triggering the other person.

• You isolate or feel isolated. You may have pulled away from people who care about you—or been encouraged to do so—because they might question the relationship.

• You feel a deep fear of losing them. Even if they hurt you, the thought of being without them feels unbearable.

• You keep hoping it will go back to how it was. You cling to the early stages of the relationship or rare positive moments, believing they reflect the “real” version of the person.

If you recognize yourself in some of these signs, know that you're not alone—and that awareness is a powerful step toward healing.

Why Trauma Bonds Are So Hard to Break

One of the most painful aspects of a trauma bond is knowing a relationship is harmful but still feeling emotionally tethered to it. That inner tug-of-war—I need to leave vs. I can’t imagine leaving—isn’t irrational. It’s the result of very real psychological and physiological processes.

The emotional highs and lows in a trauma bond create something akin to an addiction. When moments of connection or relief arrive, they trigger a rush of dopamine—the brain’s reward chemical. These “highs” can feel so intense and meaningful that they override memories of the harm, keeping hope alive that things will get better. Over time, the nervous system becomes conditioned to seek these fleeting moments of reward, even at great emotional cost.

Fear also plays a major role. You might fear being alone, fear losing the version of the person you fell for, or fear what it means about you if you walk away. For those who grew up with unstable or neglectful caregivers, relationships may have always felt unpredictable—and leaving, even a harmful bond, can feel like stepping into emotional freefall. The body registers disconnection as danger, making it incredibly hard to disengage.

Shame is often layered on top. You may feel embarrassed for staying, confused about why you still care, or worried about what others will think. Sometimes, the most threatening part is admitting there’s a problem at all. The shame of having misjudged someone—or of ignoring your own instincts—can be so painful that it feels easier to double down, push away your doubts, and avoid the people who might confirm them. After all, who wants to feel wrong, or hear I told you so?

Gaslighting—being made to question your own reality—can deepen this confusion, making it even harder to trust your instincts or reach out for help.

And then there’s grief. Breaking a trauma bond isn’t just about leaving a person; it often means letting go of the version of the relationship you hoped for—the one where things would change, where love would finally feel safe. That loss is real and deserves care, not judgment.

Healing from a Trauma Bond

Leaving a trauma bond isn’t a single decision—it’s a process. And it’s not just about walking away from someone; it’s about slowly untangling your sense of self from a relationship that may have felt like it defined your worth, your identity, or your safety—even if it ultimately undermined those things.

Healing begins with naming the pattern. Once you can recognize the cycles of harm, apology, and confusion for what they are, you're more able to step back and observe rather than react. This awareness helps loosen the emotional grip and makes space for curiosity, self-compassion, and choice.

Therapy can be a powerful part of this process—especially approaches that focus on trauma and attachment. Modalities like EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and relational or psychodynamic therapy can help you understand what keeps you stuck, process the pain, and rebuild trust in yourself. For some, it’s also about reconnecting with parts of themselves that have been silenced or shamed in the relationship.

Support matters deeply. You don’t have to do this alone. Friends, therapists, support groups, and even books or podcasts can serve as lifelines when doubt or grief shows up. It’s okay if your healing doesn’t look linear. What matters is that you're moving toward relationships that feel safer, more reciprocal, and more grounded in who you truly are—not who you had to become to survive.

Final Note
Trauma bonds don’t mean you’re broken or naïve. They mean you adapted—doing what you had to do to stay connected or survive in an unsafe dynamic. But over time, what once felt protective can start to feel like a cage. Recognizing that is a profound act of clarity. It means you now have the awareness—and the power—to begin breaking the cycle and moving toward something healthier.

Learn more about trauma therapy and how it can support your healing process

Why You Freeze During Conflict: Understanding Shutdown Responses

You’re in the middle of a disagreement. Maybe with a partner. Maybe a friend, or a coworker. You want to speak—but suddenly, your throat tightens, your mind goes blank, and your body feels heavy. You’re flooded, frozen, or saying whatever you can to make the tension disappear.

It’s a deeply frustrating experience. You want to be heard. You want to assert yourself. But something takes over in those moments—something you can’t quite control.
That “something” is your nervous system doing what it learned to do: keep you safe.
And the good news? You can learn to work with your nervous system instead of feeling hijacked by it.

The Freeze Response: What It Is and Why It Happens

You may have heard of the fight-or-flight response—your body’s natural way of reacting to a perceived threat. But there’s another branch of this response that gets less attention: freeze (and its close cousin, fawn).

Freezing is the body’s way of saying: This is too much. I don’t know how to fight it or run from it, so I’m going to shut down to stay safe.
Think “deer in the headlights.” The system goes into pause mode, hoping that stillness will reduce danger.

For some, freeze blends into fawn—over-agreeing or appeasing to avoid conflict altogether.

This response is governed by your autonomic nervous system—meaning it happens automatically, outside of conscious control. It’s not something you choose. It’s something your body chooses for you, often based on past experience.

How Freezing Shows Up in Conflict

Freezing in conflict doesn’t always look like an obvious shutdown or collapse. It can be subtle, even invisible to others. It might look like:

• Going quiet or nodding in agreement, even if you disagree

• Feeling emotionally numb or “checked out”

• Seeming aloof or disengaged, when really you’re overwhelmed

• People-pleasing or agreeing just to end the discomfort

• Leaving the conversation abruptly

• Later feeling frustration, shame, or regret for not expressing yourself

Sometimes, people describe it as feeling like a child again—small, powerless, unsure of what they’re allowed to say.

And afterward, you might find yourself beating yourself up: Why didn’t I say something? What’s wrong with me? These voices can feel just as painful as the moment itself.

Where This Pattern Comes From

You weren’t born freezing in conflict. This response was shaped by experiences—often early ones—where conflict didn’t feel safe.

Maybe you grew up in a household where conflict meant yelling, stonewalling, or punishment. Maybe disagreements were never modeled, or you were taught to suppress your own needs to keep the peace. Over time, your nervous system learned: silence is safer than speaking up.

Freezing becomes a survival strategy—a way of protecting yourself from real or perceived relational threat. Even in adulthood, your system might default to that old response, especially when it senses similar cues: a raised voice, a critical tone, or the hint of disapproval.

How Therapy Can Help

The good news is: while you can’t just will yourself out of freezing, you can work with your nervous system in new ways—and therapy can be a powerful place to start.

Therapy can help you:

• Understand your freeze response without shame
  Naming the pattern and understanding where it came from is the first step to shifting it.

• Build awareness around your triggers
  When you can notice your body’s signals early, you have more choice about how to respond.

• Reconnect with your voice and emotions
  Therapy provides a safe, nonjudgmental space to practice expressing yourself—without fear of shutdown or rejection.

• Explore and heal the roots of the freeze
  Often, freezing is tied to past experiences of helplessness or disconnection. Healing those experiences can reduce their grip.

Therapy Approaches That Can Support This Work:

• Internal Family Systems (IFS):
  Helps you get to know and support the protective “parts” of you that shut down or go silent, and the vulnerable parts they protect.

• Experiential Psychodynamic Therapy:
  Explores early relational patterns and helps you begin to experience once-feared emotions in a safe setting, building new capacity for expression and connection.

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT):
  Supports you in becoming more present during difficult moments, observing anxious or avoidant thoughts without being controlled by them, and taking steps aligned with what matters most to you—even in the face of discomfort.

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing):
  Helps reprocess past experiences of fear, invalidation, or helplessness that might still be fueling the freeze.

• Somatic and Nervous System-Based Approaches:
  Support you in recognizing your body's cues, widening your “window of tolerance,” and building capacity to stay present during conflict.

A Final Word

Freezing in conflict doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your system learned to protect you in ways that made sense at the time.
But while it may have served you once, it doesn’t have to run the show anymore.

With the right support, you can begin to understand your body’s patterns, reconnect with your voice, and respond to conflict in a way that feels more aligned with who you are now—not who you had to be then.

Over time, people often find they’re able to stay more present in difficult moments, speak up for themselves with clarity, and feel more connected—even in the midst of conflict.

Learn more about trauma therapy and how it can help you shift from shutdown to self-trust.

Signs of Unresolved Trauma: What to Look For

When people hear the word trauma, they often think of extreme events—combat, natural disasters, or violence. And while those experiences can absolutely be traumatic, trauma is ultimately less about the event itself and more about the impact it has on the nervous system.

Trauma happens when something overwhelms your ability to cope. It can result from sudden shocks or from slow-building stress over time—like emotional neglect, chronic invalidation, or growing up in an environment that didn’t feel safe. And for many people, the effects of trauma don’t go away just because the event is in the past.

Unresolved trauma doesn’t always look like flashbacks or panic attacks. Sometimes, it shows up in subtle, quiet ways that shape how you think, feel, and relate to the world.

What Is Unresolved Trauma?

When trauma is unresolved, it means the body and mind haven’t fully integrated or processed what happened. You may not even remember the event clearly—or think of it as “that bad”—but your nervous system still responds as if the danger is ongoing.

Therapists often talk about something called the Window of Tolerance—the emotional bandwidth where we can process experience without becoming overwhelmed. Unresolved trauma can push you outside this window—into hyperarousal (anxiety, anger, hypervigilance) or hypoarousal (numbness, shutdown, fatigue). The trauma may be in the past, but your body and mind may still be bracing for impact.

You might think: “I know this person cares about me, but I keep waiting for them to leave.”
Or: “I’m safe now, but I still feel like I’m walking on eggshells.”

Common Signs of Unresolved Trauma

Not everyone experiences trauma the same way. But here are some signs that past experiences may still be affecting you:

1. Emotional Reactivity or Numbness

You might find yourself overreacting to small stressors—or not reacting at all. Trauma can push your system into states of high alert or total shutdown. For example, someone might freeze or go blank during a difficult conversation—not because they don’t care, but because their nervous system perceives danger.

2. Chronic Anxiety or Hypervigilance

Even when things seem fine, your body may stay on high alert. You might constantly scan for danger, anticipate worst-case scenarios, or find it difficult to relax, especially in relationships.

3. People-Pleasing and Avoiding Conflict

If you grew up in an emotionally unsafe environment, you may have learned to keep the peace at all costs. People-pleasing becomes a way to avoid rejection or emotional backlash—but it often comes at the expense of your own needs and boundaries.

4. Difficulty Trusting Others—or Yourself

You may question others’ motives, constantly seek reassurance, or doubt your own decisions—even when there’s no clear reason for the mistrust. Trauma often disrupts your internal sense of safety and clarity.

5. Feeling Stuck or Shut Down

Unresolved trauma often shows up as a sense of immobility—like part of you is frozen in place. This can feel like chronic procrastination, lack of motivation, or a deep disconnection from what you want.

6. Disconnection from Your Body or Emotions

Many people with trauma feel detached from their physical or emotional experiences. You might not notice when you're overwhelmed until you crash, or struggle to put feelings into words. This disconnection is protective—but can make healing feel out of reach.

7. Physical or Cognitive Symptoms

Trauma often affects the body as much as the mind. You might notice:

• Chronic fatigue or muscle tension

• Digestive issues

• Frequent headaches

• Difficulty concentrating or remembering things

These symptoms can be misdiagnosed or dismissed—but they often reflect a nervous system under strain.

How Trauma Affects Daily Life

Unresolved trauma doesn’t stay neatly tucked away. It can ripple out into nearly every area of life:

• Relationships: Trouble with trust, fear of vulnerability, or poor boundaries

• Work: Perfectionism, fear of failure, or shutting down under pressure

• Health: Ongoing physical symptoms that don’t resolve with typical treatments

Sometimes people live for years—decades even—managing these symptoms without realizing they’re connected to earlier experiences.

How Therapy Can Help

You don’t have to untangle this alone. Therapy can offer a safe space to begin making sense of what you’ve carried—and to stop blaming yourself for the ways you’ve adapted.

A trauma-informed therapist can help you:

• Understand your symptoms as survival responses, not personal failures

• Rebuild a sense of safety and connection, both internally and in relationships

• Begin to process difficult emotions and memories without becoming overwhelmed

• Learn tools for regulating your nervous system and feeling more at home in your body

Different therapeutic approaches can support this work:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps reprocess trauma so it feels less emotionally charged

• Somatic therapies focus on how trauma lives in the body and teach ways to release stored tension or freeze responses

• Trauma-informed CBT can help shift unhelpful thought patterns linked to fear or shame

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) may help when trauma is rooted in attachment wounds or early emotional experiences. It focuses on restoring emotional processing through a strong therapeutic relationship

• IFS (Internal Family Systems) helps you connect with the different “parts” of yourself—like the inner critic, the people-pleaser, or the protector—and relate to them with compassion rather than conflict

There’s no one-size-fits-all path. And while there are many ways to approach trauma treatment, it’s not your job to figure it all out alone. With the right support, a skilled therapist can help you make sense of what you’re carrying and find the approaches that fit you.

Learn more about how trauma therapy can help.

When Anxiety Is a Trauma Response: 8 Signs to Look For

Anxiety and trauma are deeply connected, yet many people don’t recognize when their anxious behaviors are actually rooted in past trauma. What may seem like generalized anxiety—difficulty relaxing, overthinking, or avoiding certain situations—can sometimes be a trauma response, shaped by the body and brain’s attempts to protect against further harm.

Understanding these patterns is essential because trauma-based anxiety is not just about nervousness or worry; it’s about survival strategies that were once necessary but may no longer serve you. Unlike generalized anxiety, which often stems from persistent worry about future uncertainties, trauma-based anxiety is typically triggered by reminders of past experiences, causing the nervous system to react as if the danger is still present. Here are some common anxious behaviors that might actually be trauma responses, along with ways to begin shifting them.

1. Over-Apologizing and People-Pleasing

Constantly saying “sorry” or going out of your way to avoid conflict can be a sign of trauma rather than simple politeness. If you grew up in an unpredictable or unsafe environment, you might have learned that pleasing others and minimizing your own needs kept you safe. This response, sometimes called fawning, is a survival strategy where people try to appease others to prevent conflict or rejection.

How to Shift This Pattern: Practice pausing before apologizing and ask yourself, “Did I actually do something wrong, or am I apologizing out of habit?” For example, if a coworker bumps into you and you instinctively say “sorry,” try reframing it to “Oh, excuse me,” to acknowledge the interaction without assuming blame. Start small by asserting your needs in safe situations.

2. Hypervigilance: Always Being on Edge

Feeling like you have to be alert at all times—scanning for danger, overanalyzing people’s tone of voice, or assuming the worst—can be a trauma response rather than typical anxiety. Hypervigilance is common in people with post-traumatic stress, as their nervous system remains in a heightened state of awareness, even when there’s no actual threat.

How to Shift This Pattern: Grounding techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or focusing on physical sensations (e.g., rubbing a textured object, focusing on the way your foot feels when you walk) can help signal to your body that you are safe.

3. Difficulty Making Decisions

Trauma can disrupt the brain’s ability to assess risk and trust itself. If you find yourself paralyzed over small decisions or seeking excessive reassurance from others, it may be because past experiences taught you that the wrong choice could lead to serious consequences. This is especially true for those who grew up in environments where mistakes were harshly punished.

How to Shift This Pattern: Remind yourself that most decisions are not permanent. Try setting a time limit to decide, and trust that you can adjust if needed.

4. Avoiding Certain Situations or People

While avoidance is often seen as an anxious behavior, it can also be a trauma response. If certain places, sounds, or even types of interactions trigger intense discomfort, your brain may be trying to protect you from reliving past pain. This can show up as avoiding social events, skipping difficult conversations, or even procrastinating on tasks that feel overwhelming.

How to Shift This Pattern: Identify whether avoidance is protecting you from a real threat or reinforcing fear. Slowly expose yourself to safe situations while using self-soothing strategies.

5. Shutting Down or Dissociating Under Stress

Some forms of dissociation can be mild, such as spacing out or feeling emotionally numb, while others can be more severe, like losing time or feeling disconnected from your body. Recognizing the different ways dissociation manifests can help in understanding and addressing it.
Some people respond to stress not with visible anxiety but by emotionally shutting down. If you find yourself zoning out, feeling detached from your surroundings, or struggling to remember what happened during stressful moments, this could be dissociation, a trauma response where the brain disconnects from overwhelming emotions to protect itself.

How to Shift This Pattern: Try grounding exercises, such as naming five things you see or holding something cold, to bring yourself back into the present moment.

6. Feeling Anxious in Safe Relationships

If you’ve experienced betrayal or emotional neglect, even safe relationships can feel unsettling. You might constantly worry about being abandoned, doubt people’s kindness, or struggle to let your guard down. This pattern is often linked to attachment trauma, where past relationships shaped your ability to trust and feel secure with others.

How to Shift This Pattern: Therapy can be particularly helpful in navigating attachment wounds. Practicing open communication and noticing when your fears are based on past experiences rather than present reality can also help.

7. Perfectionism and Harsh Self-Criticism

Striving for perfection can sometimes be less about ambition and more about preventing failure at all costs. If you grew up in an environment where mistakes led to rejection or punishment, you may have developed perfectionism as a survival strategy. The inner critic that fuels this can be a trauma-based response, trying to keep you safe from past patterns of disapproval or harm.

How to Shift This Pattern: Challenge self-critical thoughts by asking, “Would I speak to a friend this way?” and practice celebrating small successes, even when they’re imperfect.

8. Startling Easily and Feeling Jumpy

If loud noises, sudden movements, or unexpected touch make you react strongly, your nervous system may be stuck in a fight-or-flight response. This exaggerated startle reflex is common in people with trauma histories, especially if they have experienced violence, abuse, or accidents.

How to Shift This Pattern: Therapies that engage the body, such as somatic experiencing, Internal Family Systems, and experiential psychodynamic therapies, can help regulate the nervous system over time.

Trauma Responses Can Shift with Awareness and Support

Healing from trauma-based anxiety doesn’t happen overnight. Small, incremental changes—such as practicing self-compassion, gently challenging avoidance patterns, or seeking support—can make a meaningful difference over time. With awareness, self-compassion, and support, it’s possible to reshape these patterns in a way that allows for more ease and emotional flexibility.
If you see yourself in these patterns, know that you’re not “overreacting” or “too sensitive.” These responses developed as a way to keep you safe in the past, but they don’t have to control your present. With awareness, self-compassion, and support, it’s possible to reshape these patterns in a way that allows for more ease and emotional flexibility. If you’re ready to explore how trauma-informed therapy can support your healing, reach out today.

Why Trauma Haunts Your Memory and How to Heal

When we experience something traumatic, it can feel like the event is etched into our minds, sometimes in ways that are fragmented, vivid, and distressing. Understanding the relationship between trauma and memory is crucial for anyone who has endured such experiences. This knowledge can provide comfort, validation, and hope for healing. In this post, we'll explore how trauma affects memory, the science behind it, and the paths to recovery.

The Nature of Traumatic Memories

Traumatic memories differ significantly from regular memories. Unlike typical memories, which are usually coherent and structured, traumatic memories are often fragmented and disorganized. This can make it difficult to recall the traumatic event in a linear, narrative form. These memories are also characterized by their intense sensory and emotional components, making them feel as if the event is happening all over again.

For many, these memories manifest as flashbacks or intrusive thoughts, suddenly bringing the past into the present with startling vividness. This can be incredibly distressing and can interfere with daily life, making it hard to focus or feel safe.

The Science Behind Traumatic Memories

Understanding the neurobiology of traumatic memories helps us make sense of these experiences. Two key brain structures are involved: the amygdala and the hippocampus. The amygdala processes emotions, particularly fear, and becomes highly active during traumatic events. The hippocampus, responsible for organizing and storing memories, can become impaired under extreme stress, leading to the fragmented and intense nature of traumatic memories.

Stress hormones like cortisol play a significant role too. During trauma, high levels of these hormones can affect the brain's ability to process and store memories properly, contributing to the intensity and fragmentation of the recollections.

Psychological Impact

The impact of trauma on memory goes beyond mere recollection. Many trauma survivors experience dissociation during the traumatic event, feeling detached from the experience as if they are outside their own body. Dissociation serves as an adaptive protective mechanism, helping individuals cope with overwhelming stress by mentally distancing themselves from the traumatic event. While this can be helpful in the moment, it can lead to difficulties in how memories are encoded and recalled. Survivors may find it challenging to piece together a coherent narrative of what happened, leading to confusion and distress.

Moreover, dissociation can persist long after the traumatic event has ended. Individuals might continue to experience feelings of detachment or emotional numbness, which can interfere with their daily lives and relationships. This ongoing dissociation can be confusing and distressing, making it hard for individuals to understand why they continue to feel this way.

Avoidance is another common response. Many individuals try to suppress or avoid thinking about their traumatic memories, which can lead to further psychological distress and complications in mental health. Avoidance can prevent the processing and integration of traumatic memories, keeping the individual stuck in a cycle of distress and avoidance.

Pathways to Recovery

The good news is that there are effective therapies designed to help individuals process and integrate traumatic memories:

1. Trauma-Focused Therapy: Techniques like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), Prolonged Exposure (PE), Internal Family Systems, and Somatic Experiencing help individuals process and integrate traumatic memories in healthier ways.

2. Narrative Therapy: This approach involves helping individuals construct a coherent narrative of their traumatic experiences, aiding in the integration and reduction of emotional intensity.

3. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: These techniques promote mindfulness and grounding, helping individuals manage the intense emotions and sensory experiences associated with traumatic memories.

Moving Forward

Understanding the intricate relationship between trauma and memory is not just an academic exercise; it’s a crucial part of the healing journey. For those who have experienced trauma, knowing that their reactions are common and rooted in natural physiological responses can be incredibly validating. Working with a therapist can help you integrate and process these memories, reducing dissociation and avoidance patterns, and ultimately facilitating healing.

If you or someone you know is struggling with the aftermath of trauma, know that you are not alone. The fragmented, intense memories can be understood, managed, and integrated into your broader life story with the right support. Therapy offers a safe space to explore these memories and move towards a place of healing and resilience.

Remember, recovery is possible, and taking the first step towards understanding and addressing your traumatic memories can lead to profound and positive changes in your life.

Learn more about healing from trauma…

Part 2: Can KAP Help With Trauma?

In Part 1, we discussed how ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP) can help individuals with depression. We explored how ketamine, initially developed as an anesthetic, has shown promise as an innovative approach for various mental health conditions, including depression.

Trauma is a common experience that can lead to conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, chronic pain, depression, and substance use disorders. Trauma can result from a single event or a series of events, affecting people in different ways. Fortunately, several treatment options are available, including ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP).

A Few Reminders About Trauma

It Does Not Define You

Trauma can feel overwhelming, often becoming an integral part of one's perceived identity. However, working with a skilled professional can help you see trauma as an external challenge that can be addressed. KAP, along with other therapeutic approaches, can provide you with the skills and tools needed for recovery. Embracing self-awareness and self-compassion is crucial, and your KAP therapist will guide you on this journey.

Acceptance is Not Surrender

Accepting what happened to you can be difficult and may initially evoke feelings of guilt. However, understanding that it is okay to not be okay is a significant step. Recognizing that the traumatic event was not your fault allows you to let go of anger, resentment, and shame. From this place of acceptance, you can fully engage with KAP and its potential benefits.

How KAP Can Benefit Someone Struggling With Trauma

Ketamine-assisted psychotherapy offers several potential benefits for individuals dealing with trauma:

• Rapid Reduction of Symptoms: Many experience a quick decrease in symptoms such as flashbacks and nightmares.

• Sustainable Symptom Relief: KAP can provide long-lasting relief from trauma-related symptoms.

• Enhanced Self-Esteem: Patients often report increased confidence and self-compassion.

• Reduced Reliance on Substances: KAP may help decrease the need for prescription medications or other substances.

• Elevated Mood and Energy: Patients often feel more energetic and have improved moods.

• Improved Relationships: Better social connections and relationships are commonly reported.

• Deeper Spiritual Life: Many find a more meaningful spiritual connection.

• Increased Calm and Gratitude: A greater sense of relaxation, safety, joy, and gratitude is often experienced.

How Does KAP work?

The process begins with a thorough medical assessment to determine if KAP is the right fit for you. Treatment involves alternating sessions, with some focused on the administration of ketamine (typically via lozenge, intramuscular injection, or IV) by a trained physician or nurse. Your therapist can be present with you during dosing sessions for support and non-intrusive guidance.

Between ketamine sessions, you will engage in integration sessions with your KAP therapist. These sessions help you process and harmonize the insights gained during ketamine administration with your everyday life. The therapy is highly personalized, tailored to address your specific experiences and needs.

KAP: A Therapeutic Alternative for Trauma

Ketamine-assisted psychotherapy represents a promising approach to addressing trauma-related issues. Under the guidance of specially trained professionals, KAP employs a combination of techniques to facilitate healing and recovery. While trauma can feel permanent, KAP can help create the necessary shifts to support your journey towards healing.

If you are curious about KAP and how it might help you, please feel free to reach out to me for more information.

Learn more about Trauma Treatment…

Understanding Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs): A Guide for Everyone

Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, refer to traumatic events that occur during childhood, ranging from physical, emotional, or sexual abuse to household dysfunction, such as witnessing domestic violence, or growing up with family members who have substance use disorders. Developed through a groundbreaking study by the CDC and Kaiser Permanente, the ACEs framework helps us understand how distressing childhood experiences can have long-term effects on a person’s mental and physical health well into adulthood.

Why ACEs Matter

The relevance of ACEs in mental health cannot be overstated. Research has consistently shown that the more ACEs an individual has, the higher their risk for a variety of issues later in life. These include chronic health problems like heart disease and diabetes, mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, and socio-economic challenges like low job performance and financial stress. Understanding ACEs is not just about recognizing the impact of early adversities but also about acknowledging their profound influence on lifelong health and wellbeing.

How Understanding ACEs Can Help

For individuals, gaining insight into one’s ACEs can be an empowering first step toward healing. It helps people make sense of their past behaviors and emotional challenges, providing a context that might have been missing. This understanding fosters self-compassion and paves the way for targeted therapeutic interventions.

For mental health providers and caregivers, awareness of ACEs equips them with a crucial tool in their therapeutic arsenal. By understanding the potential origins of a client's distress, therapists can tailor their approach to treatment more effectively. This might include trauma-informed care, which adjusts methods of care to consider the widespread impact of trauma and promotes environments of healing rather than practices that may inadvertently re-traumatize clients.

Utilizing Knowledge of ACEs in Therapy

1. Assessment and Screening: Therapists can incorporate ACEs into their initial assessments to better understand a client's background and the potential root causes of their current struggles. This helps in creating a comprehensive treatment plan that addresses these foundational experiences.

2. Building Trust and Safety: Knowing a client’s ACEs can guide therapists in establishing a safe, nurturing environment in sessions. Trust is fundamental in therapy, particularly for clients with high ACE scores who may have underlying trust issues stemming from early childhood betrayals.

3. Trauma-informed Care: This approach involves recognizing symptoms of trauma, integrating knowledge about trauma into treatment protocols, and avoiding re-traumatization during therapy. Therapists who understand the implications of ACEs strive to ensure that every aspect of therapy—from the physical space in the therapy room to the techniques and interventions used—is conducive to healing.

4. Holistic and Integrated Care: ACEs knowledge encourages a more holistic approach to therapy, considering all aspects of a person's well-being, including physical health, mental health, and social connectivity. This might involve coordinating with other healthcare providers or involving community resources to support the client’s overall recovery.

5. Empowerment and Resilience Building: When people are educated about ACEs, they can recognize their own resilience. For many, understanding that their experiences are shared by others and that their reactions are normal responses to abnormal events can be liberating and empowering.

Towards Healing

Incorporating an understanding of ACEs into mental health care is not just about adapting clinical techniques—it's about changing the narrative around personal history and resilience. For those struggling with the effects of adverse childhood experiences, this knowledge offers hope and a roadmap for healing. As we continue to spread awareness of ACEs, we not only improve the care for those affected but also contribute to a more informed, empathetic society.

If you or someone you know might benefit from exploring the role of ACEs in mental health, consider reaching out to a mental health professional trained in trauma-informed care. Remember, understanding your past is a crucial step toward healing and growth.

Learn more about Trauma Therapy…

What is Delayed-Onset PTSD?

When someone witnesses or experiences a horrific event, they can be traumatized. If a particular set of symptoms is present for at least a month, that person ends up diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). At that point, the trauma survivor must seek treatment. But what happens if that particular set of symptoms doesn’t arise right away? What if symptoms don’t emerge for months or even years? This is typically called delayed-onset PTSD.

Delayed-onset PTSD may sound unusual and rare, but research suggests that as many as 25 percent of cases of PTSD are delayed-onset. Obviously, such a phenomenon must be explored.

What Is Delayed-Onset PTSD?

It’s generally accepted that PTSD is not delayed-onset until at least six months after the traumatic experience. Of course, there is no limit as to how long it takes for trauma symptoms to become identifiable. For the sake of clarity, here are the most common signs of PTSD (delayed or otherwise): 

• Intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and flashbacks

• Self-isolation and social withdrawal 

• Angry outbursts

• Unexplained physical pain and other symptoms 

• Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed 

• Hyper-vigilance 

• Mood swings 

• Memory loss

• Feelings of shame and guilt 

• Avoidance of anything that reminds you of the trauma 

• Emotional detachment

• Self-harm 

What Types of Events Can Cause Delayed-Onset PTSD?

It’s the same types of events that cause typical PTSD. Here are a few examples:

• Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse (especially during childhood)

• Neglect and abandonment

• Physical illness, injury, or disability 

• Living in a war zone

• Natural disasters

• Being targeted for or witness to a violent crime

• Death of a loved one

But Why is the Onset of PTSD Delayed?

This is the primary focus of ongoing research. A major trend is believed to be the intensification of already existing problems. In other words, a trauma survivor can experience mild PTSD symptoms but nothing extreme enough to cause them or their doctor too much concern. This is called sub-threshold PTSD. In fact, it’s extremely rare for delayed-onset PTSD to emerge without some low-level symptoms already in place. As to why those symptoms would worsen, here are two common factors: 

An Increase in Daily Stress 

Everyone has stress in their lives. It’s normal and unavoidable. But if you’re already struggling with sub-threshold PTSD, any increase in daily stress can trigger full-blown PTSD. The stress does not have to be related to past trauma. It can stem from more universal roots like financial issues, relationship strife, and so on.

Experiencing More Trauma 

A common example could involve a military veteran. During combat, they endured traumatic events but never felt anything more than sub-threshold PTSD. However, years later, in everyday life, they may suffer more trauma. Let’s say it’s a natural disaster. Suddenly, they are having nightmares about war-related events as the original PTSD symptoms become more severe.

Treatment For Delayed-Onset PTSD

For anyone who has lived through a traumatic event, a powerful first step is never to downplay what you feel. You don’t have to speak PTSD into existence, but you also don’t want to treat sub-threshold symptoms as unimportant. The earlier you connect with a therapist, the more likely you are to alleviate those symptoms before they can resurface later as delayed-onset PTSD. 

Keep in mind that you do not need an official PTSD diagnosis to benefit from treatments designed for PTSD. So, check yourself before you downplay or suppress distressing emotions and thought patterns. If they are left unaddressed, they will surface at some point — quite possibly, far worse than they are now.

To help clarify what you’re feeling and why, I invite you to reach out and make contact. Let’s talk soon about the situation and all your options. 

Learn more about Trauma Treatment…

What is Complex Trauma?

Most likely, you’ve heard of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You probably know about causes like living in a war zone or enduring a major disaster. But there is a parallel condition that is similar in some ways while remaining quite different. Complex PTSD is the result of complex trauma. In a nutshell, this term describes a chronic form of trauma usually endured during childhood. 

When a therapist talks about “complex trauma,” they are using a term that describes both the repetitive events and the long-term effects. This is not a form of ranking trauma vs. complex trauma. Instead, it’s about identifying clear differences between the two experiences. 

Symptoms and Causes of Complex PTSD

The symptoms often intersect with the symptoms of PTSD, e.g., flashbacks, nightmares, and more. But with complex trauma, the survivor is more likely to also experience:

• Inability to regulate their emotions 

• Intense feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame

• A sense that no one understands what they feel

• Unwillingness to fully trust others 

• Trouble connecting with others on a deep level

• Dissociation and other challenges in recognizing reality

• Loss of one’s belief system 

What Can Cause Complex PTSD?

Again, the type of terrible experiences that are endured and/or witnessed is ongoing. For example: 

• Emotional, sexual, and physical abuse

• Neglect and abandonment 

• Growing up in a home in which substance abuse is the norm

• Living in a war zone

• Domestic abuse

• Kidnapping

• Being trafficked, prostituted, or enslaved

• Any scenario in which you feel trapped and unable to escape your abuser

The impact is heightened if this happened to you in childhood — especially when the abuser was someone you trusted. 

What Can Trigger Complex PTSD?

People with Complex PTSD quickly learn that their symptoms can be triggered by situations, places, or emotions that feel related to the original trauma cycle. 

Common Complex PTSD triggers include:

• Sensory input via sound, taste, smell, etc.

• Any abrupt ending to a situation (like divorce or leaving a job)

• Consuming any kind of content that reminds you of the trauma

• Specific anniversaires 

• Anything that sparks fear or anger can be triggering 

What Does Complex PTSD Happen So Often During Childhood?

When the victim is a young child, they can be left not understanding what is happening. The people they depend upon to attend to their basic needs are behaving in a way that is painful. They feel powerless to stop it and frequently blame themselves. This sets up complex interpersonal dynamics that can shape their cognitive development well into adulthood, e.g.:

• They may not trust themselves while believing others know what is best for them 

• A trauma bond can be created by which the victim strives to please the abuser in the hope that the negative treatment will stop 

• They learn how to say and do what is expected of them to lessen the abuse

Complex PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Complex PTSD and BPD present with many similar symptoms. These include:

• A sense of worthlessness

• Impulsive behavior

• Inability to connect with others

BPD can also be caused by childhood trauma. Thus, it is crucial to connect with a therapist who is experienced in differentiating between these two disorders. 

Getting the Help You Need and Deserve

Considering that as many as eight percent of the world’s adult population struggles with complex trauma, any treatment options exist. In addition, there are self-help steps (like healthy eating, relaxation techniques, and more) you can incorporate into your life. Hence, a powerful first step is to reach out to a mental health practitioner who understands your situation. With that in mind, I invite you to set up a free and confidential consultation at your earliest convenience. 

Learn more about Trauma Therapy.